The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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