You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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