OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Randomize
