I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Randomize