I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
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