I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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