I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
