Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
