Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
