You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Randomize
