i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
