Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
