Swine flu is the new snow day.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
