Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Actions speak louder than pants.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
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