i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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