I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Randomize