If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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