Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
