Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
