Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Randomize
