I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
