I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize