Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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