Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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