bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
