You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
