I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
