I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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