It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
