I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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