I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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