It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize