I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
