She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
