i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
