So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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