I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
it's like iHOP with fire
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
