Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
