My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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