um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Randomize
