I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
