I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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