walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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