I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
