i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
