Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
