did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
