I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
