Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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