I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
