If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize