My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
