Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
