I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
