opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
