Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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