i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
i will never coherently bang her
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
