Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
