If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
